Why he wouldn't say
by waltzingwonders
Summary: set in series two episode 13 - the last dragon lord. bedroom conversation scene. Arthur was oblivious as to why merlin was moody and quiet, but merlin couldn't handle the pain anymore, the pain that he couldnt tell arthur he loved him. LOVE.


Merlin and Arthur. This is set in series 2 episode 13 - .com/watch?v=tv6bk0bG0n0&feature=related

i watched the clip and made up in my little head what merlin really wanted to tell arthur.

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"What is it?" Arthur said struggling to find himself a comfortable position to rest, without allowing himself to put so much pressure on his wounded shoulder.

"Nothing." Merlin replied rather quickly avoiding eye contact with his master but staring up towards the ceiling.

"It's something tell me." Arthur asked, the concern seeping into his voice. He turned his head to stare at Merlin. His servant was quiet and had a seemingly stubborn facial expression. He sighed. "Alright… I know I'm a prince so we can't be friends…"

Merlin rolled onto his other side to look away from his 'prince'.

"…but if I wasn't a prince-" Arthur continued till Merlin interrupted him "What." He said, again very quickly and snappy.

"Well then … I think we would probably get on" Arthur said still facing upwards. Merlin closed his eyes in annoyance, _if only_ he thought.

"So?" Merlin said really hoping the conversation would soon end.

But Arthur would never give up so easily. "So that means you can tell me"

Merlin began to grow more impatient with Arthur "well, that's true but you see if you weren't a prince, I'd tell you to mind your own damn business-"

"Merlin!"

Merlin didn't want to talk anymore. He was sick of talking, for once in his life he wanted nothing but silence and to be left alone with his thoughts. He knew that Arthur was only trying to be kind and friendly and Merlin also knew that he should take this chance as Arthur would never extend his hand of friendship again once back in Camelot, but he simply didn't want to. He was tired, tired of being Arthur's friend, of _pretending_ to be his friend.

"Are you missing Gaius?" Arthur said in a teasing fashion.

Merlin laid still. "Something like that" he said, not bothering to make up a real excuse.

"Well what is it then?" Arthur said smiling whilst throwing a pillow at the man his bed across the room. Merlin turned sharply to face the ceiling again. Why couldn't Arthur just leave him alone? That was all Merlin wanted. "I'll tell you."

The world slowed down for Merlin, he had wanted to pour his heart out to Arthur since the moment he realised. He wanted to beg Arthur to understand, to explain to him why this was all happening but he worried that what if it was only him? What if it was only Merlin that was affected by this sudden realisation, surely Arthur would have noticed, but then again maybe not Merlin thought, he is Arthur after all.

But he should know. Merlin went to open his mouth but stopped as no words came about, he tried again but couldn't, he was a coward. So he lied.

"I'm worried about everyone back in Camelot I hope they're alright." He said quickly, pleading with himself not to let his tears fall. There was a pause before Arthur replied "So do I"

Merlin rolled onto his side again and waited.

He waited till the candle burnt all the way out before he moved, he could have done so hours ago as he heard Arthur's snores almost instantly after their conversation had stopped, but he wanted to be sure. He grabbed his boots on and over coat and walked outside into the fresh air. The inn was empty and quiet, Merlin leaned against the wall of the front of it and as he slowly slid down it, his tears fell.

He wasn't sure when he first discovered his feelings towards his best friend. Feelings of affection.

Feelings of more than a friend and of a servant. He loved him. He loved him so much that it hurt him and that it began to change him. He loathed Gwen when she touched Arthur; he imagined the things he could do to get rid of her, which made him feel sickened with himself. He wanted to tell Arthur tonight but couldn't, he wanted to tell Arthur every night before that but couldn't.

Merlin was told that he and Arthur were like two sides of the same coin, and that one could not survive without the other. If he told Arthur his feelings then Arthur would surely banish him from Camelot and without Merlin … Arthur would die. And in return Merlin's life without Arthur would not be worth living. The great kingdom that Arthur would create with Merlin by his side would not exist. A whole future would be taken away if the young warlock had allowed himself to be selfish. So for everybody else, Merlin would put their happiness first again. His hope of ever being held in Arthur's arms, the way the prince held Gwen, would have to be destroyed. He had to learn not to care for Arthur in that way, it was dangerous. The more you care the more you have to lose, thought Merlin.

He would carry on, maybe one day marry a pretty girl and have children and live in the world Arthur had created, but he would never know if he would be truly happy. And that's why Merlin cried; he so wanted to be happy but only with Arthur. Merlin wiped his hands over his face and sighed. He returned into the inn and his bed as Arthur snored in his own. Merlin had to do this, had to be strong.


End file.
